Yesterday three things happened to inspire this post: 1) I began studying up for my Fantasy Football League that I’m joining with my girl Ooph. 2) I had to talk Lily down off the ledge when she lost a game of Zingo and 3) I read this amazing article about the various theories on competition as it relates to children.
Games and sports have been a huge part of my life since I can remember and I, to put it mildly, am a highly competitive person. From Uno to tether ball, backgammon to volleyball, football pools to drunk bowling, I love to compete, and even more so, I love to win. Some of my strongest memories of my childhood are of… competing and sports.
Most of the memories are positive, like the ’84 clutch homer by Steve Garvey to win the National League Pennant which led to the Pads playing in the World Series, playing Acie Ducie with my dad, and winning three straight State Championships in Volleyball my freshman through junior years of high school.
Other memories are not so positive: being the last to be picked for pick-up games of kick ball on the playground, the Chargers’ heinous losing streak in the late 80’s/early 90’s, and the horribly painful loss to Brentwood High in the State Championship match of volleyball my senior year. (The worst part of that loss was when Billy Crystal, whose daughter played for the opposing team, approached us while we were removing our sweaty kneepads and bawling our heads off to tell is we played “mahvelous-ly.” I haven’t watched a Billy Crystal movie since). But win or lose, good or bad, I’ve learned countless lessons from my competitive experiences.
The main mantras that play in my head, instilled in me by my parents, elders and coaches are: Never cheat, always be a good sport; never give up, always keep your chin up and the ever-popular cliché, you win some, you lose some. As Lily is not even four yet, I have wondered if it’s too early to start instilling these notions into her young yet rapidly-developing psyche. But my gut is telling me that no, it’s not too early; the time is now to start with the life lessons, as long as it’s in a delicate, nurturing way. If she’s smart enough to figure out how to cheat at Memory, she’s smart enough to learn that cheating is not the appropriate means to a win. Or that even if I’m only one tile away from beating her at Zingo, she should still keep trying because it’s not over til the fat lady sings (she might be too young to get that reference so I’ll go with it ain’t over til it’s over). Or that even if she does lose, she should still throw me a fist bump across the table and say “good game.”
I remember clearly those losses on the volleyball court when my ego was crushed and my disappointment was at an all time high, yet I still had to walk along the net, slapping fives to the opposing, winning team. Oh man, that sucked! But without those moments, I would never have had the drive to work harder in practice, nor would the W’s have been as meaningful. It seems that at almost 4 years old, Lily may not quite fully grasp the meaning of you win some you lose some, but I don’t think it hurts to start teaching her that lesson.
According to the the article I mentioned above, there is a school of thought that competition is a detriment to a child’s psyche; that our society should put less emphasis on winning. But I definitely disagree, as does the author of the article. Competition is a normal, necessary part of growing up and developing a sense of determination and dedication is an important skill that plays into all aspects of life. The key is in how we parents decide to go about teaching the lessons and our own attitudes towards winning losing.
I just pray I don’t turn into Will Farrell’s over-zealous parent character from SNL. “Get on the bag!”
CLICK HERE to watch this hilarious skit.
Do you seasoned parents out there have any good advice in teaching these lessons of competition, while not becoming a “get on the bag” parent?
And sidenote: The Pads are leading the NL West. How did that happen?
That SNL clip is hilarious. And? I have seen some things in my years of parenting boys that resemble that. Perhaps even make him look calm. It is NEVER too early to begin the process of learning how to compete. We do it every day of our lives.
FYI…I will be kicking your arse in FF. Also, can’t wait for the Chargers to play the Colts.
Am thinking you and Ooph are too scared to invite me to be part of your FF league. (That’s exactly the kind of thing you want to encourage your kids not to say, by the way).
You’re right. We know your football prowess. We ain’t goin down like that!
i should have known you played volleyball, you have the perfect build for it. i miss volleyball so much–the adult leagues here are all right, but i only play competitively like once a year, and it makes me sad.
anyway, i totally agree with you. i think competition done right teaches children how to function in our society, which can be totally cutthroat. we need to prepare our kids for the reality of life, which is that you win some and you lose some, and you need to be gracious either way. both of my boys (and my girls, if i ever have any) are going to play sports (at least until they are ready to decide for themselves if they’re interested), because i know that being involved in those kinds of activities is what helped me and my husband learn how to deal with defeat, which is not an emotion that’s easy to handle.
great post.
Thanks Alexis! You play v-ball too? we should organize a game at BlogHer next year. : )
When my oldest daughter was in elementary school, she tried many things and was quite good at all of them. With the exception of volleyball (which by then we’d learned our lesson) she quit everything. The reason? We put too much pressure on her to excel. We didn’t mean to do it but we did do it with gymnastics and we did it with karate. When she played volleyball in middle school, I just showed up to the games, cheered her on and said little else. She learned quite a bit from those experiences all on her own. I did not play any competitive sports in my youth due to the era, the city, and the school I went to. I wish I had.
I worry about that pressure to excel. That is the argument against competitive sports and kiddos. Our entire society puts so much pressure on it. I am hoping to find the balance b/t encouragement/support vs. pushy pressure.
I just beat my kids’ behind at a game of Uno tonight. Then I ran around fist pumping the air and jumping on pillows. true story.
And that is why I love you dearly! True Story.
my oldest daughter is so competitive that if she isn’t as good as another kid, she gives up. it’s very frustrating to try to get her to understand that the only person she should compare herself to is…herself.