I cried at a parent/teacher conference yesterday, at my five-year-old’s preschool.
No shit. Full-on cried.
If you know me personally, this will not come as a shock because I have been cursed/blessed with an over-zealous sensitivity gene and over-active tear ducts, both of which I inherited from my mom, and I have a tendency to cry a lot.
I call it a blessing and a curse because I really love to cry. Crying, for me is an expression of emotion, sometimes sad, but many times happy. It’s a release of angst. It helps me purge myself of the shit that gets bottled up inside me and typically, when I’m feeling wigged out about something, all I need is a good cry and then I’ll feel better. But it’s a curse in a professional situation where I am expected to hold it together, like in a parent/teacher conference.
Which brings me back to the story at hand.
When I walked into the dimly lit, feng sui’d classroom (our preschool, though Lutheran, also has a certain Zen-like quality), I felt a little tense. My morning had been stressful, I could feel a cold threatening to attack and I had “misplaced my phone, which made me crankier than a baby without its binky. Oh, also, I was PMSy, so, even before we started the chat, I was a bit on edge.
Within the first minute of sitting down, the entire vibe of the meeting was intense. Her concerned, serious look coupled with the phrase, “Well I have some issues I’ve been meaning to discuss with you,” completely blindsided me.
Completely.
I was expecting to hear words like delightful, kind and loving. Instead I got challenging, defiant, and misbehaving .
Her words bounced around in my brain as I began to visualize my otherwise well-behaved kid turning into a “problem” child. I half expected her to tell me that my kid was a cutter from the severity of her tone.
As I listened to a few anecdotes of how Lily had been misbehaving, the bad mom thoughts began to creep in. Out, out damn thoughts.
Then, they came. The tears. Hot tears tapped at my eye panes and before I knew it, one had snuck through. The rest came steadily. The more I tried to fight them, the faster they emerged. I tried to grasp what the teacher was telling me as I simultaneously questioned myself on why I was so teary?
Mainly, it was disappointment, in Lily, in myself, and in this teacher who apparently didn’t learn the pro-con-con-pro method of communication.
As is typical in a situation when I am feeling personally attacked, I snapped back a bit. “You probably should’ve started with a positive,” I said through shame and tears.
From that point on, any positive feedback she had for Lily was inconsequential because the negative feedback had already sunk in, like a basketball through a hoop, and I couldn’t rebound.
In reality, the “issues” are not as dramatic as the teacher had made them sound or as I am making them out to be here. They certainly didn’t warrant my barrage of tears, it’s just that I felt blindsided. I was not expecting that at all. After my shock from the meeting wears off, I will chat with Lily about the “issues” and will work on resolving them. They are normal five year old behaviors that are manageable.
In the meantime, I will grapple with these take-aways:
- My kid’s not perfect. Damn!
- I need to lighten up and toughen up. Otherwise, the tween and teen years are going to kill me.
- I should not attend a parent/teacher conference while PMSing.
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Addendum: After having this post out in the world for a few hours, I realized that I did not make clear in the beginning how much my kids love this school, as do I. Though I think this conference could have been handled better (on both of our parts), I think the school is amazing (and I’m not just saying that because the center director is my Facebook friend and might just read this someday). Overall, our experience at this school have been amazing, which is probably one of the reasons I was so shocked yesterday.
Also, tonight Lily told me before bed, that next conference, she’s going to get a great review.
Lily is an amazing little girl!!! She’s 5 and being a 5 year old! I am so nervous about Ellie’s parent teach conference next week!
I so totally get this. First of all the tears? Yeah, right before reading this, I sent an email to my brother. I had missed a call from him yesterday thanking me for attending the baby shower for he and his wife last weekend. I was bawling while typing. Seriously. I was just saying to him it was our pleasure to be there and I couldn’t wait for the big day, but seriously, more than once I had to stop, wipe my nose and my eyes so I could I type. Honest.
And the K stuff. Oh I hear you……we are having some major issues with our K teacher right now and everytime I hear my “baby” had a time out……Oye.
anyway, you are not alone Mama! And thanks for letting us know, that neither are we!
You brought back memories. I had a hellish preschool and kindergarten experience with my youngest daughter. In preschool I was told on a daily basis that my child was a problem – didn’t want to participate, wouldn’t sit in the circle, didn’t share – OMG aren’t these things the preschool is supposed to be teaching her???? In kindergarten all I got was – she doesn’t listen, she won’t sit still, she talks to much – OMG aren’t these normal kindergarten behaviors???? I swear, I think teachers are forgetting that 5 & 6 year olds ARE NOT adults. They are just being kids.
I cry at anything too- eventhe phone call with the insurance company asking questions got me crying. I will have several of these conferences, mine is the boy at storytime who is, um, ethusiastic.
I used to be a crier…but now only at movies and when $$!! has built up and then I have a massive melt down cry and it’s all better-maybe I shouldn’t hold things in? This Christmas I found myself crying while talking to my brother so I happened to be outside and I just stayed there for an hour, pulled weeds and sobbed.
I don’t know what it is with Pre-K teachers – for E it was all about him wanting the other kids to play what he wanted (looking back now why is that a bad thing? Leadership potential in the making), anger control and that he’s a perfectionist…(his Pre-K went way overboard on the negative implications of this in the future – I’ll never get her comments about of my head). It was recommended we take E to a psychologist and when we asked our pediatrician for a referral he said he’s 5…he’s normal, but we did a couple sessions anyway – total waste of time. Looking back on what I know now I would have told her to stuff it – instead of internalizing and wondering how I could have gone so wrong. Someday when he goes through therapy he can tell me that :)
This is a great post! Don’t we all know just how that is to be totally suprised by the results of a parent teacher conference. My kids both attend Lutheran schools in San Diego and even though I just adore both schools, my husband and I have had a few “suprising” conferences. It always seems to work out in the end, even if we shed crocodile tears all the way home in the car. :-)
Lily is 5 … it is the age she is learning to push her boundaries and test the waters. She is a sweet and charming child. With a mother like you, she will be just fine.
Perfection is overrated too! Remember that with perfection comes imperfection. There is a balance to everything. I pride myself in my daughter’s average school performance. It means she is right where she is supposed to be at 6 years old. It means that she has room to grow and develop.
My beef is with Lily’s teacher! WTH … “I’ve been meaning to discuss with you”. I don’t think those words should have been uttered at a parent/teacher conference! They should have been discussed on days that the issues happened. Issues need to be addressed immediately instead of held onto for a set time. These “issues” Lily is having might not have become “issues” if handled earlier on. So bad on that teacher.
As you know I am NOT a crier, but when it comes to our kids tears are impossible to avoid. They are an extension of us. They hurt, we hurt. They are happy, we are happy. They are in trouble, we are in trouble. So let the tears flow, build up your tough skin and get ready for the ride ahead!
xo
It sounds like if the “issues” are typical 5 year old things that happen the teacher should have either had them be a non issue of spoke to you sooner about them. Something came up at a Parent Teacher conference and I acknowledged it and then ultimately after having one discussion with Amberly threw the issue in the trash. If it wasn’t big enough to have been mentioned (and nipped in the bud) then it didn’t need to be my baggage. If I had not made that conscious decision I think it would have been upsetting. Kids learn lots of terrible things from their peers on the playground, bummer we can’t be there to help them filter out and make conscious decisions each step of the way…. oh wait that would mean we aim to be the pilot of their life plane… nope you don’t want that. Totally don’t want that. I don’t know Lily but you’re her mom and therefore she must be amazing. Remember no kid is perfect and there are teachers who will unwittingly let us be reminded.
Aww, girl. I tend to cry at the most inopportune times, too. I hear you at the teen years. We will laugh (or cry!) when we look back at these issues and think we had it easy….
I’m so sorry. Forgive us teachers…we’re only human, too! Teachers know that you know all the wonderful things about your child. We forget that even though YOU know how great your child is, it’s nice to hear it from someone else, too. This doesn’t mean that the teacher shouldn’t have approached things in a different way, but maybe this will help you understand her a little better. You’re a terrific mom, Lily’s lucky to have you and we feel so fortunate to have you as a neighbor!
Aw! Mary, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No parent deserves to go through a parent teacher conference upset. Our first meeting with our first grade teacher back in August with the whole class there (parents) our teacher was not the best. She even printed out hand outs for us with a cover that made you feel uncomfortable (it was a picture of a couple who were sad, with shrugged shoulders and long faces) she even laughed at it! We were all puzzled to say the least and she kept mentioning a “bad apple” in the classroom making us feel guilty. I know that parents need to know the truth about their kids, I know teachers work so much with our kids (I;ve volunteered and seen it first hand) but I still think that teachers could choose kinder words to tell us when our kids misbehave or are not at par with their class.
Aw, Mar- I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to be on both sides of the table…. The deliverer of bad news (teaching K, 1 and 4th) and the receiver- when Rem was in K. At the end of the day, it’s good to have someone else’s (the teacher who lives, eats, sleeps, breathes your kiddo’s moves) insight and redirection. Even if it hurts a little, you now know what to work on with her at home. Could you imagine if Lil was misbehaving and she DIDN’T ever communicate it with you? Some teachers dont even take the time. I agree though that some easing into the negative with some sweet, thoughtful love would have eased the pain a bit. Know that u are an awesome mom, Steve is a great dad, and your kids are just perfect. Xo
Isn’t it true that how the information is communicated is more important than what is said? And also, I’m a big believer that if there are any issues, a teacher should not wait until the parent-teacher conference. It’s important for that information be shared throughout the year too.
Pro Con Con Pro. I’ll remember that until the day I die. You are doing a great job Mama, don’t let anyone tell you different. Proof, that awesome sauce photo of your sugar and spice. I puffy heart you and your girl. -kat