Warning: adult content!
My single neighbor has a new boyfriend. How do I know this? Because I had the honor of listening to the two of them have sex for several days in a row.
So did my kids.
A few weeks ago, my husband and two daughters were outside playing after dinner, around 7:00pm when the rhythmic moaning of a female caught their attention. Being clueless, as kids should be to such odd noises, they continued to play, that is until the male guttural groaning began, and my husband abruptly decided it was time to go in.
Simultaneously, I was inside the kitchen and heard the suspicious noises through the window. As my daughters bounded inside the house, my husband and I caught glances and gave each other the “did you just hear what I heard?” look.
Then my five year old looked at me and said, through giggles, “Mom, why was that woman going ‘uh, uh, uh’?”
Being caught completely off guard, because I am not remotely ready to have the birds and the bees talk with my 4 & 6 year olds, I said, “Oh, um, maybe she was . . . hot.?”
Immediately I ran into the other room and cringed.
Internal monologue. Maybe she was hot? That’s the best you could come up with, Mary!?!?
I am no stranger to hearing things from neighbors since we live in a tightly-packed townhome development where sound bounces off all the walls, but, strangely enough, I have never before heard the deed being done by my neighbors. I’ve heard arguments and babies crying and mundane things like that. Oh and then there’s the other single white female neighbor who has a habit of sitting on her balcony, drinking booze, smoking cigs and talking on her cell phone, loudly, about all of her personal problems, into the wee hours of the night. Some sample dialogue:
“Shut the f*ck up, Granny. You do not get to be the boss of everyone.” and “He’s just jealous because I f*cked his best friend.”
Since my kids can’t hear her from their bedroom, I’ve just learned to ignore Little Ms. Loud Potty Mouth, which brings me back to Little Ms. Moaning on the other side of our house, whose window faces my kids’ window.
She’s an adult in her 40’s and she owns her own home; she should definitely be able to have frequent, loud sex whenever she wants. I’m all for it. I’m just not for exposing my kids to it at this young age. I can barely deal with questions like, “do guys have boobies?”.
By some people’s standards, it’s no worse than having to hear my kids “singing” GLEE karaoke or screaming bloody murder at 2:00am from night terrors, which we’ve subjected our neighbors to many a time. When I think of it like that, it’s all just a part of living in small complex like ours (the pros of having a pool that I don’t have to take care of and amazing neighbors who are like family, well outweigh the cons, and the moaning).
Yet even with that rationale, I still wasn’t keen on it happening anymore. So, I decided I was going to talk to her about it, or leave a note, or send an email, just to make her aware that EVERYONE could hear her and her own personal Christian Gray going at it at all times of the day, but before I had the chance to broach the awkward subject with her, a moving truck pulled up in front of her house and she was gone just as fast as she came.
Now that’s what I call moving out with a bang.
Have you ever had “problem” neighbors? How did you handle it?