my neighbor moved out with a bang

Warning: adult content!

My single neighbor has a new boyfriend. How do I know this? Because I had the honor of listening to the two of them have sex for several days in a row.

So did my kids.

A few weeks ago, my husband and two daughters were outside playing after dinner, around 7:00pm when the rhythmic moaning of a female caught their attention. Being clueless, as kids should be to such odd noises, they continued to play, that is until the male guttural groaning began, and my husband abruptly decided it was time to go in.

Simultaneously, I was inside the kitchen and heard the suspicious noises through the window. As my daughters bounded inside the house, my husband and I caught glances and gave each other the “did you just hear what I heard?” look.

Then my five year old looked at me and said, through giggles,  “Mom, why was that woman going ‘uh, uh, uh’?”

Being caught completely off guard, because I am not remotely ready to have the birds and the bees talk with my 4 & 6 year olds, I said, “Oh, um, maybe she was . . . hot.?”

Immediately I ran into the other room and cringed.

Internal monologue. Maybe she was hot? That’s the best you could come up with, Mary!?!?

I am no stranger to hearing things from neighbors since we live in a tightly-packed townhome development where sound bounces off all the walls, but, strangely enough, I have never before heard the deed being done by my neighbors. I’ve heard arguments and babies crying and mundane things like that. Oh and then there’s the other single white female neighbor who has a habit of sitting on her balcony, drinking booze, smoking cigs and talking on her cell phone, loudly, about all of her personal problems, into the wee hours of the night. Some sample dialogue:

“Shut the f*ck up, Granny. You do not get to be the boss of everyone.” and “He’s just jealous because I f*cked his best friend.”

Since my kids can’t hear her from their bedroom, I’ve just learned to ignore Little Ms. Loud Potty Mouth, which brings me back to Little Ms. Moaning on the other side of our house, whose window faces my kids’ window.

She’s an adult in her 40’s and she owns her own home; she should definitely be able to have frequent, loud sex whenever she wants. I’m all for it. I’m just not for exposing my kids to it at this young age. I can barely deal with questions like, “do guys have boobies?”.

By some people’s standards, it’s no worse than having to hear my kids “singing” GLEE karaoke or screaming bloody murder at 2:00am from night terrors, which we’ve subjected our neighbors to many a time. When I think of it like that, it’s all just a part of living in small complex like ours (the pros of having a pool that I don’t have to take care of and amazing neighbors who are like family, well outweigh the cons, and the moaning).

Yet even with that rationale, I still wasn’t keen on it happening anymore. So, I decided I was going to talk to her about it, or leave a note, or send an email, just to make her aware that EVERYONE could hear her and her own personal Christian Gray going at it at all times of the day, but before I had the chance to broach the awkward subject with her, a moving truck pulled up in front of her house and she was gone just as fast as she came.

Now that’s what I call moving out with a bang.

Have you ever had “problem” neighbors? How did you handle it?

 

If these condos could speak

If these condos could speak . . .

[pinit]

28 Comments

  1. 1
    Stefanie says:

    Please say this was on purpose because it was HILARIOUS…”and she was gone just as fast as she came.”

  2. 2
    palinode says:

    Back in 2005, I lived between two people who had audible sex. One always sounded like she was stifling a sneeze when she was having sex with her boyfriend. On the other side of our apartment lived two women, and their sessions sounded like an unsuccessful attempt to fire up a gas-powered mower. But what can you do? I don’t particularly want to hear my neighbours going at it, but it’s better than hearing people fight and curse. When you live in complexes or apartment buildings, eventually you bump up against each other in any number of ways.

  3. 3
    Kahea Milroy says:

    Oh my gosh I’m still laughing!!! We’ve heard the same noises from our naighbors right across from us. And Ms. Potty Mouth…ugh at least you’re family doesn’t have to inhale her second hand smoke when you open up your windows.

  4. 4
    Konrad says:

    i live in NYC. The walls in any building constructed after 1974 are paper thin and as many older apartments have been subdivided, there’s a lot of action going on everywhere, at all hours of every day 24/7/365. In order to keep my sanity and those around me (i’m a musician) I’ve soundproofed some of my past apartments, at least the shared walls. It takes a little research, some planning and the right materials, but blocking sound from a shared wall is a lot less awkward than confronting the neighbor about their bedroom proclivities. I just see it as doing the things the builder should have done and then there’s the added bonus of, as the decibels decrease the value of your condo increases…at least in NYC

  5. 5
    Konrad says:

    i live in NYC. The walls in any building constructed after 1974 are paper thin and as many older apartments have been subdivided, there’s a lot of action going on everywhere, at all hours of every day 24/7/365. In order to keep my sanity and those around me (i’m a musician) I’ve soundproofed some of my past apartments, at least the shared walls. It takes a little research, some planning and the right materials, but blocking sound from a shared wall is a lot less awkward than confronting the neighbor about their bedroom proclivities. I just see it as doing the things the builder should have done and then there’s the added bonus of, as the decibels decrease the value of your condo increases…at least in NYC

    • Konrad says:

      sorry for the double post!

      • Mary says:

        No problem of the double post! And yes, Lindsay is right, (one of my other neighbors) there is no padding of walls that we could’ve done. But that’s a good trick! : )

    • Lindsay says:

      These are not sounds heard through shared walls….they are things heard through open windows and/or sitting on a balcony a few feet across from someone else’s balcony!

  6. 6

    Hot?? haha I love you Mary! I was thinking she was pooping…LMAO!! My kids are grown so I can laugh but I would have done exactly what you were about to do and go talk to her. There’s no reason she can’t shut the window.

    Maybe you should go in the bathroom pretending your stomach hurts and pull a semi- when Harry Met Sally – let out a couple uh uh uh – and come out talking about the poop incident. Ok I’ll stop, I’m getting way to silly with this and laughing my ass off

    • Mary says:

      Okay that is hilarious. I am totally using the pooping story next time because she has asked me about that incident a few times since it happened.

  7. 7

    Do you think the other neighbors got to her first?

  8. 8

    My favorite part, “She was gone as fast as she came.” Hilarious! I was laughing through the post because I can relate—I don’t ever want to answer the tough questions and they usually have to be answered in some awkward scenario, where I am totally unprepared.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that neighbors are just not very thoughtful of the people around them. It sucks, but what can you do? In this case, hope they move. ;)

  9. 9

    Thank you for the laugh! I hope for the sake of her new neighbors she is in a house w a little more insulation – LOL!

  10. 10
    Jen says:

    Ha! This made me laugh. And then you added the line, “she was gone just as fast as she came” and died because I implied the pun. :-)

  11. 11
    Lindsay says:

    The day I psyched myself up to confront her, I feel like she purposefully avoided me. Then, like you said, “she was gone as fast as she came,” although not fast enough if you ask me!

    Whew. I’m relieved you didn’t write a post about an obnoxious barking dog!

  12. 12
    Theresa says:

    We have a hot single guy in our neighborhood that can occasionally be heard with a girl. My husband and I think it’s funny, but we’re not the people who live behind him who have to hear him. LOL

  13. 13
    Ginger says:

    HA! I mean, not that your kids heard it all, but…cmon, that’s funny.

    When I was in college I lived in an apartment above two guys. One of the guys was…we’ll just call him popular. And the sound traveled through the floors so much that it felt like I was in the room with him. Which was always super awkward when he was having a 3 am …uh…gathering. Of at least 3 girls. And him. Yeah.

  14. 14
    SurferWife says:

    Omg. I need to know what you were planning to say to her. I would have died.

  15. 15
    SIL Laura says:

    It’s hard to comment when you’ve been that neighbor… OOPS! Let’s just say we will never live in a condo/townhome again…

  16. 16

    That’s the worst ever. Once I slept over at my friend’s house and her booty call came over at 2AM and I stayed in her bed pretending to sleep as they had the loudest sex multiple times in the living room 10 feet away. But at least my kids weren’t there!

  17. 17
    Middle State says:

    Where to begin with this one? I had a divorced woman with a very active sex life living next door to me years ago who was very vocal and then, to top it off, would come over and apologize the next day. Can you imagine? Most recently, one of our neighbors, also divorced, was going to town with some woman on the living room couch. Trouble is, he forgot to close the curtains and his windows are directly in front of my little girl’s bedroom window. Life in the city, right?

  18. 18

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  19. 19
    Leslie Beebe says:

    I lived in a complex up until 4 mos ago that I had the upstairs neighbors from hell. I could hear them at it down to every.single.nuanced.moan! One day, I had just had it. I wrote her a VERY graphic letter describing how tired I was of it. I made it sound like it was coming from multiple neighbors. I then printed the letter out on neon green, pink and yellow paper and proceeded to duct tape at least 20 copies to her front door. She got the hint. And I got to live in peace my last month there:)

  20. 20

    Admiring the commitment you put into your site and detailed information you provide. It’s awesome to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same out of date rehashed material. Great read! I’ve saved your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.

  21. 21
    Laura says:

    OMG, hilarious post Mary. You already know the whole story of my moaning tenants. Such is life!

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